Read Excerpt
 It
was 7 minutes after midnight. The dog was lying on the grass in the middle
of the lawn in front of Mrs Shears' house. Its eyes were closed. It looked
as if it was running on its side, the way dogs run when they think they
are chasing a cat in a dream. But the dog was not running or asleep. The
dog was dead. There was a garden fork sticking out of the dog. The points
of the fork must have gone all the way through the dog and into the ground
because the fork had not fallen over. I decided that the dog was probably
killed with the fork because I could not see any other wounds in the dog
and I do not think you would stick a garden fork into a dog after it had
died for some other reason, like cancer for example, or a road accident.
But I could not be certain about this.
I went through Mrs Shears' gate, closing it behind me. I walked onto her
lawn and knelt beside the dog. I put my hand on the muzzle of the dog.
It was still warm.
The dog was called Wellington. It belonged to Mrs Shears who was our friend.
She lived on the opposite side of the road, two houses to the left.
Wellington was a poodle. Not one of the small poodles that have hairstyles
but a big poodle. It had curly black fur, but when you got close you could
see that the skin underneath the fur was a very pale yellow, like chicken.
I stroked Wellington and wondered who had killed him, and why.
3
My name is Christopher John Francis Boone. I know all the countries
of the world and their capital cities and every prime number up to 7,057.
Eight years ago, when I first met Siobhan, she showed me this picture
[sad face]
and I knew that it meant 'sad,' which is what I felt when I found the
dead dog.
Then she showed me this picture
[smiley face]
and I knew that it meant 'happy', like when I'm reading about the Apollo
space missions, or when I am still awake at 3 am or 4 am in the morning
and I can walk up and down the street and pretend that I am the only person
in the whole world.
Then she drew some other pictures
[various happy, sad, confused, surprised faces]
but I was unable to say what these meant.
I got Siobhan to draw lots of these faces and then write down next to
them exactly what they meant. I kept the piece of paper in my pocket and
took it out when I didn't understand what someone was saying. But it was
very difficult to decide which of the diagrams was most like the face
they were making because people's faces move very quickly.
When I told Siobhan that I was doing this, she got out a pencil and another
piece of paper and said it probably made people feel very
[confused face]
and then she laughed. So I tore the original piece of paper up and threw
it away. And Siobhan apologised. And now if I don't know what someone
is saying I ask them what they mean or I walk away.
5
I pulled the fork out of the dog and lifted him into my arms and hugged
him. He was leaking blood from the fork-holes.
I like dogs. You always know what a dog is thinking. It has four moods.
Happy, sad, cross and concentrating. Also, dogs are faithful and they
do not tell lies because they cannot talk.
I had been hugging the dog for 4 minutes when I heard screaming. I looked
up and saw Mrs Shears running towards me from the patio. She was wearing
pyjamas and a housecoat. Her toenails were painted bright pink and she
had no shoes on.
She was shouting, 'What in fuck's name have you done to my dog?'.
I do not like people shouting at me. It makes me scared that they are
going to hit me or touch me and I do not know what is going to happen.
'Let go of the dog,' she shouted. 'Let go of the fucking dog for Christ's
sake.'
I put the dog down on the lawn and moved back 2 metres.
She bent down. I thought she was going to pick the dog up herself, but
she didn't. Perhaps she noticed how much blood there was and didn't want
to get dirty. Instead, she started screaming again.
I put my hands over my ears and closed my eyes and rolled forward till
I was hunched up with my forehead pressed onto the grass. The grass was
wet and cold. It was nice.
7
This is a murder mystery novel.
Siobhan said that I should write something I would want to read myself.
Mostly I read books about science and maths. I do not like proper novels.
In proper novels people say things like, 'I am veined with iron, with
silver and with streaks of common mud. I cannot contract into the firm
fist which those clench who do not depend on stimulus' . What does this
mean? I do not know. Nor does Father. Nor do Siobhan or Mr Jeavons. I
have asked them.
Siobhan has long blonde hair and wears glasses which are made of green
plastic. And Mr Jeavons smells of soap and wears brown shoes that have
approximately 60 tiny circular holes in each of them.
But I do like murder mystery novels. So I am writing a murder mystery
novel.
In a murder mystery novel someone has to work out who the murderer is
and then catch them. It is a puzzle. If it is a good puzzle you can sometimes
work out the answer before the end of the book.
Siobhan said that the book should begin with something to grab people's
attention. That is why I started with the dog. I also started with the
dog because it happened to me and I find it hard to imagine things which
did not happen to me.
Siobhan read the first page and said that it was different. She put this
word into inverted commas by making the wiggly quotation sign with her
first and second fingers. She said that it was usually people who were
killed in murder mystery novels. I said that two dogs were killed in The
Hound of the Baskervilles, the hound itself and James Mortimer's
spaniel, but Siobhan said they weren't the victims of the murder, Sir
Charles Baskerville was. She said that this was because readers cared
more about people than dogs, so if a person was killed in the book readers
would want to carry on reading.
I said that I wanted to write about something real and I knew people who
had died but I did not know any people who had been killed, except Edward's
father from school, Mr Paulson, and that was a gliding accident, not murder,
and I didn't really know him. I also said that I cared about dogs because
they were faithful and honest, and some dogs were cleverer and more interesting
than some people. Steve, for example, who comes to centre on Thursdays,
needs help to eat his food and could not even fetch a stick. Siobhan asked
me not to say this to Steve's mother.
11
Then the police arrived. I like the police. They have uniforms and
numbers and you know what they are meant to be doing. There was a policewoman
and a policeman. The policewoman had a little hole in her tights on her
left ankle and a red scratch in the middle of the hole. The policeman
had a big orange leaf stuck to the bottom of his shoe which was poking
out from one side.
The policewoman put her arms round Mrs Shears and led her back towards
the house.
I lifted my head off the grass.
The policeman squatted down beside me and said, 'Would you like to tell
me what's going on here, young man?'.
I sat up and said 'The dog is dead.'
'I'd got that far,' he said.
I said, 'I think someone killed the dog.'
'How old are you?' he asked.
I replied, 'I am 15 years and 3 months and 2 days.'
'And what, precisely, were you doing in the garden?' he asked.
'I was holding the dog,' I replied.
'And why were you holding the dog?' he asked.
This was a difficult question. It was something I wanted to do. I like
dogs. It made me sad to see that the dog was dead.
I like policemen, too, and I wanted to answer the question properly, but
the policeman did not give me enough time to work out the correct answer.
'Why were you holding the dog?' he asked again.
'I like dogs,' I said.
'Did you kill the dog?' he asked.
I said, 'I did not kill the dog.'
'Is this your fork?' he asked.
I said, 'No.'
'You seem very upset about this,' he said.
He was asking too many questions and he was asking them too quickly. They
were stacking up in my head like loaves in the factory where Uncle Terry
works. The factory is a bakery and he operates the slicing machines. And
sometimes the slicer is not working fast enough but the bread keeps coming
and there is a blockage. I sometimes think of my mind as a machine, but
not always as a bread-slicing machine. It makes it easier to explain to
other people what is going on inside it.
The policeman said, 'I am going to ask you once again.'
I rolled back onto the lawn and pressed my forehead to the ground again
and made the noise that Father calls groaning. I make this noise when
there is too much information coming into my head from the outside world.
It is like when you are upset and you hold the radio against your ear
and you tune it halfway between two stations so that all you get is white
noise and then you turn the volume right up so that this is all you can
hear and then you know you are safe because you cannot hear anything else.
The policeman took hold of my arm and lifted me onto my feet.
I didn't like him touching me like this.
And this is when I hit him.
13
This will not be a funny book. I cannot tell jokes because I do not
understand them. Here is a joke, as an example. It is one of Father's.
His face was drawn but the curtains were real.
I know why this is meant to be funny. I asked. It is because drawn has three meanings, and they are 1) drawn with a pencil, 2) exhausted, and 3) pulled across a window, and meaning 1 refers to both the face and the curtains, meaning 2 refers only
to the face, and meaning 3 refers only to the curtains.
If I try to say the joke to myself, making the word mean the three different
things at the same time, it is like hearing three different pieces of
music at the same time which is uncomfortable and confusing and not nice
like white noise. It is like three people trying to talk to you at the
same time about different things.
And that is why there are no jokes in this book.
17
The policeman looked at me for a while without speaking. Then he said,
'I am arresting you for assaulting a police officer.'
This made me feel a lot calmer because it is what policeman say on television
and in films.
Then he said, 'I strongly advise you to get into the back of the police
car because if you try any of that monkey-business again, you little shit,
I will seriously lose my rag. Is that understood?'.
I walked over to the police car which was parked just outside the gate.
He opened the back door and I got inside. He climbed into the driver's
seat and made a call on his radio to the policewoman who was still inside
the house. He said, 'The little bugger just had a pop at me, Kate. Can
you hang on with Mrs S while I drop him off at the station? I'll get Tony
to swing by and pick you up.'
And she said, 'Sure. I'll catch you later.'
The policeman said, 'Okey-doke,' and we drove off.
The police car smelt of hot plastic and aftershave and take-away chips.
I watched the sky as we drove towards the town centre. It was a clear
night and you could see the Milky Way.
Some people think the Milky Way is a long line of stars, but it isn't.
Our galaxy is a huge disc of stars millions of light years across and
the solar system is somewhere near the outside edge of the disc.
When you look in direction A, at 90� to the disc, you don't see many stars.
But when you look in direction B, you see lots more stars because you
are looking into the main body of the galaxy, and because the galaxy is
a disc you see a stripe of stars.
And then I thought about how, for a long time scientists were puzzled
by the fact that the sky is dark at night, even though there are billions
of stars in the universe and there must be stars in every direction you
look, so that the sky should be full of starlight because there is very
little in the way to stop the light reaching earth.
Then they worked out that the universe was expanding, that the stars were
all rushing away from one another after the Big Bang, and the further
the stars were away from us the faster they were moving, some of them
nearly as fast as the speed of light, which was why their light never
reached us.
I like this fact. It is something you can work out in your own mind just
by looking at the sky above your head at night and thinking without having
to ask anyone.
And when the universe has finished exploding all the stars will slow down,
like a ball that has been thrown into the air, and they will come to a
halt and they will all begin to fall towards the centre of the universe
again. And then there will be nothing to stop us seeing all the stars
in the world because they will all be moving towards us, gradually faster
and faster, and we will know that the world is going to end soon because
when we look up into the sky at night there will be no darkness, just
the blazing light of billions and billions of stars, all falling.
Except that no one will see this because there will be no people left
on the earth to see it. They will probably have become extinct by then.
And even if there are people still in existence they will not see it because
the light will be so bright and hot that everyone will be burnt to death,
even if they live in tunnels.
19
Chapters in books are usually given the cardinal numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and so on. But I have
decided to give my chapters prime numbers 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13 and so on because I like prime numbers.
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